Sunday, September 23, 2012
Hope Restored
Saturday, September 23, 2012
Blessed Hope Restored
Tonight I had a hope restored that I have been missing for a very long time. It's not like I feared I I would miss out on eternity in Heaven when I died. I have no doubts about the eternal destination of my soul. No, what I have wrestled with for a very long time is arriving at my final destination absent of joy. I wouldn't hear the words, "depart from me you worker of iniquity I never knew you," but I might never hear the words, "well done my good and faithful servant" either.
I have spent thirty years in steadfast pursuit of a genuine calling that I have never seen come close to being a reality. I have never sat idle waiting for the perfect ministry opportunity to fall into my lap. I have plugged into and served whatever faith community I have called home and have left a trail behind me of lives positively impscted for the kingdom of God.
Yet, I have never reached that level to which I was called to and I have counted myself a failure.
I currently work with some coaching ministries with my current church and and am back in school finishing my bachelor's degree, studying to be a professional life coach. One of the most important lessons we try to teach a client early on, in Christian life coaching, is that God is less interested in the travelog of their lives than He is who they are becoming as a result of it.
This semester, as part of my Bible curriculum, I have been intensely studying Genesis. I have developed a bond of identity with Abraham. Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to be the father of the next chosen race. It's the other things. Abraham was a man who was no stranger to having regular conversations with God. Now, I have never experienced any of the fantastic ways in which God communicated with Abraham, but for most of my life I have heard Him speak.
But this is not the only similarity I share with Abraham. He suffered a long period of waiting between the promise of an heir to a barren couple and when that child is finally born. I have been preparing and waiting for thirty years to see my calling become a reality. During the time of waiting God reaffirmed His promise to Abraham multiple times. In That time he tried to come up with practical solutions to help make the promise happen. He offered to adopt the son of one of one of his servants. He fathered a child with a surrogate. Yet, still God, said He had a plan to bring forth innumerable offspring from Abraham's seed legitimately. By the time God came around the final time to tell him he would have a son through Sarah, his wife, Abraham had given up believing God was ever going to deliver on His promise. I too experienced repeated reaffirmations of my calling and the big dreams God had for my life along with continued periods of great waiting without seeing any sign of my calling becoming a reality. And, I too lost the will to trust thst God would be faithful to keep His promise.
As I wrote in a previous post I recently had a major breakthrough in this area and am walking in freedom from the bondage of fear and despair. I am walking in the freedom of the knowledge that I can trust God with the end of my story. And as a result of that I now know that when I tell a client how God is more interested in who they are becoming I can mean it. I am no longer worried about how long it may take to get to the destination He has set for me. All I know is that when the final page is written on my earthly existence it will all have been put in perspective and the end of the end of the story will speak of His glory and plan for my life.
Tonight we were at a worship experience and were singing about that final moment of our lives and looking forward to praising the Lord with even our last breath. My heart melted and I began to weep. It was nothing as severe as in the middle of the rock concert last week, but no less significant. Suddenly I realized that for the first time in many years I actually looked upon the moment that I past from this world to the next with anticipation, knowing the first thibg I would see after I closed my eyes in this world for the last time and opened them up in the next would be the face of my Savior.
In that moment I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and I realized that I was the only one Counting myself a failure. God never counted Abraham as a failure or unrighteous for lacking in patience or expressing doubt while waiting for the promise of Isaac to be fulfilled. God is preparing for an incredible ending to my story.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Trust Restored
Fiday, September 14, 2012
Reflecting on a conert attended on Thursday, September 13, 2012
Grace Community Church
Roswell, New Mexico
Kutless in concert with Fireflight, The Rhett Walker Band and Hyland
Last night I spent an incredible evening with my teenage son Cameron at a concert headlined by the contemporary Christian rock band Kutless. He probably would have enjoyed if I had spent more time in the auditorium with him, but his mom and I were working at the concert and had gotten him a reduced priced ticket.
My wife had joined our son off and on during the opening acts and I stayed out and manned the various merchandise tables and occasionally socialized with some of the band members from those opening acts.
At the completion of the opening acts there was a presentation from Compassion International and then an intermission. We were quite busy during the break but afterward I joined Cameron for the headline act. Cameron still enjoys having his dad attend events like this with him because I will sing, shout, scream, jump up and down, punch my fist at the air, clap my hands over my head and everything else that he and his enjoy doing.
But in the middle of all of the hard rockin' fun last night I had a divine appointment.
Jon Micah Sumrall, lead vocalist for Kutless, was introducing the song Even If from there recent release Believer. He introduced it by talking about how in the thirteen plus years that he has traveled all over the world with Kutless the one thing hat has remained constant is that he has always encountered lots of hurting people. While he has seen plenty of miraculous answers to some people's prayers far more never shared this same experience. While it may seem unexplainable in human terms, God most often answers prayers during times of human suffering with a "no."
Life will be hard and it will contain suffering and while God heals some for reasons known only to Him for most healing may never come. Dreams dies, finances fall into ruin and Christians are persecuted for there beliefs. Jesus even prayed and asked God to provide any other way for mankind to be redeemed other than the gruesome ordeal he was going to pass through in the following days, but God said "no" and Jesus trusted Him that the end of the story was more important than what he was facing right then.
Then he said something that hit me like a cosmic sledgehammer. He said, "I don't know why God doesn't miraculously change everyone's situation that cries out to Him in their hour of desperation, but I do believe God when he said in Jeremiah 29:11 that his plan is to give us a future and a hope. All I know is that even though I can't understand the moment I trust that God is working it all together for His good and the end of the story will make any moment of pain pale by comparison."
Every part of me crumbled into dust in that moment: my mind, my flesh, my spirit, my soul, my will, my heart, my emotions, my everything. I slumped over and collapsed on the chair in front of me.
You see what you may not know about me is that I am a man with an unshakable calling from God on his life. I originally received this call when I was 12 but I resisted because I desired the riches of this world and I knew that ministry was a path in the opposite direction. I ran from God and this calling for nearly five years. Finally, shortly after my seventeenth birthday I surrendered everything to God, embraced that calling and had such a real encounter with the living and resurrected Christ that it would be impossible for me to ever turn away from Him.
From that moment I have set my hand to the plow, never looked back, never even imagined what my life might have been like if I had taken a different path. Everything I have done has been with the purpose of moving me in the direction of pursuing that calling yet it has never been fully realized.
In all of this time God had been faithful to constantly remind me that His calling has never been repealed and no matter how much I have messed things up, He still has great plans for me. But, after nearly thirty years of dedication, no results and empty promises my response to God was "I don't trust you any more. Stop being so cruel to me, promising something you're just going to keep from me!" I was a man trapped in a miserable paradox. I couldn't shake the need to pursue my calling, but I also didn't feel I could trust God to fulfill the promises he was making to me. Most people would be excited just to know that God would speak so freely with them and here I was telling Him to shut up and stop torturing me.
Even though I couldn't shake my calling or my commitment to pursuing it, I truly felt I could no longer trust God to fulfill His promises. I could not trust him with the story of my life. I would teach others, quite convincingly to do what I was incapable of doing myself.
Well, anyway, when Jon said that about Jesus trusting God that the end of the story was more important than what he was facing in that moment and relating Jeremiah 29:11 to trusting that God would make the end of our stories make our moments of suffering pale by comparison every part of my being was crushed and I literally collapsed on the back of the chair in front of me. I began to weep and sob uncontrollably. I began to cry, louder and louder, until eventually I was shouting and sobbing at the top of my voice, "I TRUST YOU! I TRUST YOU GOD! I TRUST YOU GOD WITH THE END OF MY STORY!" I slid out of my chair and onto my knees, arms raised high over my head, and then eventually I lay in the aisle prostrate before God, still screaming, while my body convulsed to my heavy sobs, "I TRUST YOU! I TRUST YOU GOD! I TRUST YOU GOD WITH THE END OF MY STORY!"
I'm sure I made an utter fool of myself, but I didn't care. The heaviest burden I have ever carried was being spiritually sandblasted off of my being. For all I know I was making enough noise and commotion to compete with the band performing on stage.
I got up at the end of the song and stayed for the next song, one of their iconic hits What Faith Can Do then went back out and took up my post back at the merchandise tables. When I arrived I obviously looked like a wreck because my wife immediately asked med what was wrong. I told her I would have to tell her later.
This was a major breakthrough. I went home that night and had the first restful night's sleep that I've had in twenty years. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow and the next thing I knew it was noon the next day. For the first time in over twenty years I awoke and wasn't still as at least exhausted as when I went to bed the night before. I even had people ask me on the phone that day, "Are you feeling better? You sound better than you usually do."
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
At the Crossroads
So, here I stand. I am at a major crossroads trying to ascertain which is the correct course I should next plot for my life. If my decision only affected myself it would be easy. I could risk rushing down some pathways that almost seemed one hundred percent correct when I started down them, only to discover that whatever method I used to determine their veracity or whatever council I sought was as accurate as I was eager to get started or maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear. But I would have the luxury to go, "Oops!" and just correct my course. But, now making a wrong choice in course affects far more than just me and correcting course involves more than just wiping the proverbial egg off of my face and correcting course.
I feel like I have an idea of what the "Big Picture" is, but I am only getting to see the paint by numbers version and somebody has sneakily hidden away the color key, so I have to earnestly seek out wise council and spend lots of patient time in prayer and preparation to figure out that key on my own. I want to scream, "That's not fair!" I have been pursuing this calling for nearly two-thirds of my life and God has just changed the game plan. Why should I have to wait any longer? But, if that is the plan in the pursuit of the "something greater", then that is what I will have to endure and I will have to learn to draw on the patience he has been trying to teach me in this long time in the wasteland because I surely don't want to ask to be taught to receive any more.
So, once again, I am standing at this crossroad wondering what path I should head down next. I do know that with what God is calling me to next I am going to have to return to school and the local university offers classes that could assist me in reaching my goals, so taking a few classes there to start with would be a safe step until more clarity comes. I also think it would be wise to just jump in and start working on some small projects with a few kids and see how things grow from there.
I really need to find a few mentors and a team of people to believe in my vision and become a prayer support team for me. I can't see myself going forward without that being place. After that, I need to be sewing fruit into someone else's life or I am going to continue to wither on the vine.
If you happen to have stumbled across this blog, wow, I really just put it up for myself. I figured my wife would be the only other person to read it. It was more therapy than anything else. But, if you are reading this and you have gotten this far, I would like to invite you to join with me and grab ahold of this vision of using the emerging internet media outlets that today's youth are exceedingly becoming connected to at an increasingly alarming rate for God's glory, instead of the personal self-destruction and interpersonal disconnect we already see becoming pandemic. Join by praying that this vision will become a reality in this generation.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I feel like I have an idea of what the "Big Picture" is, but I am only getting to see the paint by numbers version and somebody has sneakily hidden away the color key, so I have to earnestly seek out wise council and spend lots of patient time in prayer and preparation to figure out that key on my own. I want to scream, "That's not fair!" I have been pursuing this calling for nearly two-thirds of my life and God has just changed the game plan. Why should I have to wait any longer? But, if that is the plan in the pursuit of the "something greater", then that is what I will have to endure and I will have to learn to draw on the patience he has been trying to teach me in this long time in the wasteland because I surely don't want to ask to be taught to receive any more.
So, once again, I am standing at this crossroad wondering what path I should head down next. I do know that with what God is calling me to next I am going to have to return to school and the local university offers classes that could assist me in reaching my goals, so taking a few classes there to start with would be a safe step until more clarity comes. I also think it would be wise to just jump in and start working on some small projects with a few kids and see how things grow from there.
I really need to find a few mentors and a team of people to believe in my vision and become a prayer support team for me. I can't see myself going forward without that being place. After that, I need to be sewing fruit into someone else's life or I am going to continue to wither on the vine.
If you happen to have stumbled across this blog, wow, I really just put it up for myself. I figured my wife would be the only other person to read it. It was more therapy than anything else. But, if you are reading this and you have gotten this far, I would like to invite you to join with me and grab ahold of this vision of using the emerging internet media outlets that today's youth are exceedingly becoming connected to at an increasingly alarming rate for God's glory, instead of the personal self-destruction and interpersonal disconnect we already see becoming pandemic. Join by praying that this vision will become a reality in this generation.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:S Clover Ln,Roswell,United States
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Looking to the Future
So, that kind of catches you up to where I am at today, except I revealed what the dream was that I threw in the fire that night, but I haven't stated the God-sized dream I am being challenged to pick up in its place.
Many years ago I set out on a path to be a youth pastor. And, for a brief period in history I was. I have always been very engrossed in technology and popular culture and as a youth pastor I always endeavored to utilize both to communicate biblical truths to teenagers through a means they might listen to in venues they would normally just "tune out".
That said, there is something you should know about me, if you haven't already begun to figure it out, there are four things are so core to my being that you could no easier separate them from me than you could an egg yolk from a scrambled egg: a love for teens and twenties youth, a need to effectively communicate God's truths to them, a love for technology, and a love of popular culture, especially elements of popular culture that are core to this age group.
My heart longs to communicate God's truths to this generation of young people using the very media outlets they are seemingly seeking every possible way to remain connected to 24/7/365. But I am wise enough to know that even though my heart has always been drawn back to them and their culture, I understand that even if I am completely plugged into where they are coming from, I would have to convince them that I am genuine before they will listen to what I am trying to communicate to them. With the gravity of the importance of the message I am trying to impart to them and how necessary it is for them to hear its wisdom at the time in their lives when they are beginning to form lifelong habits and worldview, I want to eliminate as many natural roadblocks as possible.
The best way to do this is to cut straight through the generation gap and train members of their own peer groups to communicate these truths, from their own life experiences. These kids already use these media outlets to communicate and stay connected with their friends and family members. They regularly communicate and build virtual relationships with once strangers from all over the globe. They have their fingers on the pulse on the emerging trends in media presentation techniques and often are the dream children who fantasize what will be the next big thing, often five steps before the person who actually makes it happen does it they just didn't have the access and the opportunity to see it become a reality. What if that same dream child had a chance to put a dream out there and, say, advance the kingdom of God in their generation while doing it.
I envision teenagers and twenty-somethings creating videos or just awesome web content that goes to viral status, maybe even before those who promoted it by word-of-mouth realize there was a moral or "God" message contained in it. I am not saying that I am wanting ti create cryptic or hidden messages that you have to analyze several times to have your brain finally reveal them to you. That would be worthless. No one would get it. What I am wanting to see created are media materials that are so incredibly great that everybody and their sister will be tweeting their friends list to tell them they have to watch this video or listen to his song or check out this web site and have viewed it a couple of times and gotten hooked before they realize there was a message or they realized there was a message but they just had to keep going back and now the message has taken hold in their heart.
If enough quality material comes out, over time all that would be necessary to draw viewers to the media is that a message would go out that a new posting has been put up.
That is the big dream and I know that it is not going to happen overnight. It is still going to mean that I am going to have to go back to school, just not the way I planned and I may never wind up completing a degree. But, if I wind up teaching an army of young people to turn the Internet upside down for the cause of Christ, I don't think I will feel incomplete anymore. I think the pain would have long since had been lost in the background.
Someday soon you may see a production from the Veritas Media Group coming to a web connected computer screen near you.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Many years ago I set out on a path to be a youth pastor. And, for a brief period in history I was. I have always been very engrossed in technology and popular culture and as a youth pastor I always endeavored to utilize both to communicate biblical truths to teenagers through a means they might listen to in venues they would normally just "tune out".
That said, there is something you should know about me, if you haven't already begun to figure it out, there are four things are so core to my being that you could no easier separate them from me than you could an egg yolk from a scrambled egg: a love for teens and twenties youth, a need to effectively communicate God's truths to them, a love for technology, and a love of popular culture, especially elements of popular culture that are core to this age group.
My heart longs to communicate God's truths to this generation of young people using the very media outlets they are seemingly seeking every possible way to remain connected to 24/7/365. But I am wise enough to know that even though my heart has always been drawn back to them and their culture, I understand that even if I am completely plugged into where they are coming from, I would have to convince them that I am genuine before they will listen to what I am trying to communicate to them. With the gravity of the importance of the message I am trying to impart to them and how necessary it is for them to hear its wisdom at the time in their lives when they are beginning to form lifelong habits and worldview, I want to eliminate as many natural roadblocks as possible.
The best way to do this is to cut straight through the generation gap and train members of their own peer groups to communicate these truths, from their own life experiences. These kids already use these media outlets to communicate and stay connected with their friends and family members. They regularly communicate and build virtual relationships with once strangers from all over the globe. They have their fingers on the pulse on the emerging trends in media presentation techniques and often are the dream children who fantasize what will be the next big thing, often five steps before the person who actually makes it happen does it they just didn't have the access and the opportunity to see it become a reality. What if that same dream child had a chance to put a dream out there and, say, advance the kingdom of God in their generation while doing it.
I envision teenagers and twenty-somethings creating videos or just awesome web content that goes to viral status, maybe even before those who promoted it by word-of-mouth realize there was a moral or "God" message contained in it. I am not saying that I am wanting ti create cryptic or hidden messages that you have to analyze several times to have your brain finally reveal them to you. That would be worthless. No one would get it. What I am wanting to see created are media materials that are so incredibly great that everybody and their sister will be tweeting their friends list to tell them they have to watch this video or listen to his song or check out this web site and have viewed it a couple of times and gotten hooked before they realize there was a message or they realized there was a message but they just had to keep going back and now the message has taken hold in their heart.
If enough quality material comes out, over time all that would be necessary to draw viewers to the media is that a message would go out that a new posting has been put up.
That is the big dream and I know that it is not going to happen overnight. It is still going to mean that I am going to have to go back to school, just not the way I planned and I may never wind up completing a degree. But, if I wind up teaching an army of young people to turn the Internet upside down for the cause of Christ, I don't think I will feel incomplete anymore. I think the pain would have long since had been lost in the background.
Someday soon you may see a production from the Veritas Media Group coming to a web connected computer screen near you.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:Carver Dr,Roswell,United States
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A Change of Course
I have now lived in Roswell, New Mexico with the cactus, the scorpions and the kookie alien hunters for almost seven years. It has been a real time of testing, trial, torment and hopefully finally approaching triumph in pursuing my purpose and calling in the kingdom of God.
I now have three kids who are all in school and have been a stay-at-home-dad for almost thirteen years. It hasn't been easy and I have had to pay a high cost for making this choice, but I wouldn't change anything for the love affair I have had with my kids over these past twelve years. This fall my youngest entered kindergarten and for the past several years I have really been looking forward to what I would get to do with the freeing up of my time starting this year. That great big hole in my heart has been begging to be filled for so many years and I have been dreaming to go back to college to complete my English degree and Secondary Education emphasis, so that I could finally fulfill my dream of becoming a high school English teacher and hopefully make it before my son gets into high school.
As we were getting ready for the school year to begin I was also preparing to participate in a team leading a weekend retreat at my church. It's part of one of the ministries that that no matter what else I am involved in I will always be actively working with this ministry. This particular retreat helps people to focus in on themselves to discover the uncommon purpose God created them to uniquely fulfill and that unless they allow God to raise them up to complete the task, no one will ever see it done.
Anyway, this weekend retreat was coming up and I was seriously struggling with the idea of rather or not I should even participate as a leader or if I should step down and be a participant and pay the full price to attend. I knew I needed to walk through this journey that weekend as much as anyone who was being confronted with these concepts for the first time. God was already wrestling with my heart over many issues, pushing me through the exercises and asking me the hard questions during the week leading up to the retreat.
I remember God asking me, "What if that 'nightmare' wasn't a nightmare but my calling you back to finish what you started where you started it?". I nearly froze in my tracks. My heart almost stopped beating. I started to sweat. But, from experience, I know God doesn't often ask me questions like this without trying to lead me somewhere. It's never that easy, it's never straightforward.
At first I thought, well Evangel wouldn't be so bad, at least God wasn't asking me to go back to CBC. Plus, it would probably be easier to return to Evangel than to be accepted to another college. Now, while I was pondering this and how I was going to convince my wife and kids that we were suppose to pack everything up and make the trek back to the Ozarks again, God chimes in again. This time it was even a harder question than asking me to go back to Springfield. I might even have volunteered to return to CBC than to surrender to this question.
God asked me, "What if I asked you do to do something completely different?". I felt like I was in an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus and and John Cleese just announced, "And now for something completely different!". But, unlike that experience where the only certainty fans were certain of was uncertainty, I knew exactly what God was going to ask of me next. I knew that the dream that I had been carrying for the past several years was going to be asked to be sacrificed before I even got to hold it in my hands.
I began to cry. "No God. This isn't fair. I have waited so long and dreamed so long of this day arriving when I would finally defeat this giant and finally find fulfillment, but more importantly find healing and finally feel whole and like a winner instead of a quitter and a loser. Why can't I have this? Why God, why?" God didn't answer my question. He just asked me another question, "What if I gave you something better in return, something so rewarding that you forgot about the pain of the past because of the joy I want to lead you into?".
Again, my heart nearly stopped, but this time there was no sweating and no nervousness at the question. The only reason for anxiety here would have been because I was more afraid of missing out on the blessing God was trying to give me than I was of giving up my dreams, the future and the healing I had been seeking.
Wow! Heading into this weekend and the exercises I would be helping others work through. It's not like, as a leader I am an expert leading some little plebe figure out their pathetic little life. On the contrary! I am every bit the pilgrim who is just a few steps ahead who is turning around and helping another pilgrim make the same steps I have already walked a little easier. And, here I was really needing to run back. To the beginning and start the pilgrim's travels all over again. So, that is what I did. Even though I was still facilitating others, I was really walking through the process myself as if I were doing it for the first time.
There is a point nearing the closing of the weekend where there is a surrender exercise. Where everyone is encouraged to write down the things they need to surrender in order to live the God-sized dream for their lives on a wooden sword and cast it into a bonfire as a symbol of surrendering it to God. I sat there for most of an hour while others got up and made little speeches and statements about what they were surrendering. I was rehearsing in my head what I was going to say. I wasn't trying to impress God or anyone at the bonfire. It would be foolish to try and impress God, he knows the truth and he is only interested with the sincerity of the heart to begin with and anyone there who would have been impressed by someone else's surrender speech was probably missing out on the purpose of the exercise. No, I wad trying desperately to seek the most meaningful words to represent what I was walking through that weekend.
Well, I finally got my thoughts, and my courage, together and approached the bonfire. I opened my mouth to speak and God stopped my tongue. I felt like, oh great, what now God, what are you going to ask of me now? I didn't know if he was going to throw me another curve ball question or have me speak in tongues or prophecy. I was prepared for the worst. I was ready to surrender to anything, after all that's why I was standing there in front of the fire holding my wooden sword. Instead of a question or doing anything that might of freaked out the rest of those gathered there I just felt a fatherly arm around my shoulder. It wasn't the first time I've felt that reassuring hug and I knew exactly why I felt it then. I was stepping up to let go of something I treasured and even though it was to gain something worth so much more, it still was very painful to let it go.
I finally opened my mouth to speak and it took quite a bit to get the first few words out because I was sobbing. And, I wasn't just blubbering like a brokenhearted little girl, my whole body was shaking. Through the sobbing and shaking I managed to get out the following speech,
Earlier today I told you about how I have been a stay-at-home-dad for the past thirteen years. What you don't know is that I have been carrying around this hole in my heart during all of that time as well. Well, my youngest just entered kindergarten this week and for several years now I have been dreaming about how I would fill that hole in my heart during this season in my life, but God has been asking me to give that dream up and do something completely different. So, tonight I am giving up my dream trusting that God has something much, much better waiting for me.
That was one of the hardest things to do. I had been looking forward to going back to school and finishing that degree for so long and the time had finally come to see it become a reality. I could not only taste it but the goal line was once again in sight. But, I choose to believe that God truly does have something better waiting for me and whatever it is it will be so rewarding and so good that whatever I had hoped to gain from going back to school and finishing my degree will be dwarfed by comparison. God knows the needs and desires of my heart and he wouldn't ask me to walk in another direction to keep me stunted in my overall growth and devel
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I now have three kids who are all in school and have been a stay-at-home-dad for almost thirteen years. It hasn't been easy and I have had to pay a high cost for making this choice, but I wouldn't change anything for the love affair I have had with my kids over these past twelve years. This fall my youngest entered kindergarten and for the past several years I have really been looking forward to what I would get to do with the freeing up of my time starting this year. That great big hole in my heart has been begging to be filled for so many years and I have been dreaming to go back to college to complete my English degree and Secondary Education emphasis, so that I could finally fulfill my dream of becoming a high school English teacher and hopefully make it before my son gets into high school.
As we were getting ready for the school year to begin I was also preparing to participate in a team leading a weekend retreat at my church. It's part of one of the ministries that that no matter what else I am involved in I will always be actively working with this ministry. This particular retreat helps people to focus in on themselves to discover the uncommon purpose God created them to uniquely fulfill and that unless they allow God to raise them up to complete the task, no one will ever see it done.
Anyway, this weekend retreat was coming up and I was seriously struggling with the idea of rather or not I should even participate as a leader or if I should step down and be a participant and pay the full price to attend. I knew I needed to walk through this journey that weekend as much as anyone who was being confronted with these concepts for the first time. God was already wrestling with my heart over many issues, pushing me through the exercises and asking me the hard questions during the week leading up to the retreat.
I remember God asking me, "What if that 'nightmare' wasn't a nightmare but my calling you back to finish what you started where you started it?". I nearly froze in my tracks. My heart almost stopped beating. I started to sweat. But, from experience, I know God doesn't often ask me questions like this without trying to lead me somewhere. It's never that easy, it's never straightforward.
At first I thought, well Evangel wouldn't be so bad, at least God wasn't asking me to go back to CBC. Plus, it would probably be easier to return to Evangel than to be accepted to another college. Now, while I was pondering this and how I was going to convince my wife and kids that we were suppose to pack everything up and make the trek back to the Ozarks again, God chimes in again. This time it was even a harder question than asking me to go back to Springfield. I might even have volunteered to return to CBC than to surrender to this question.
God asked me, "What if I asked you do to do something completely different?". I felt like I was in an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus and and John Cleese just announced, "And now for something completely different!". But, unlike that experience where the only certainty fans were certain of was uncertainty, I knew exactly what God was going to ask of me next. I knew that the dream that I had been carrying for the past several years was going to be asked to be sacrificed before I even got to hold it in my hands.
I began to cry. "No God. This isn't fair. I have waited so long and dreamed so long of this day arriving when I would finally defeat this giant and finally find fulfillment, but more importantly find healing and finally feel whole and like a winner instead of a quitter and a loser. Why can't I have this? Why God, why?" God didn't answer my question. He just asked me another question, "What if I gave you something better in return, something so rewarding that you forgot about the pain of the past because of the joy I want to lead you into?".
Again, my heart nearly stopped, but this time there was no sweating and no nervousness at the question. The only reason for anxiety here would have been because I was more afraid of missing out on the blessing God was trying to give me than I was of giving up my dreams, the future and the healing I had been seeking.
Wow! Heading into this weekend and the exercises I would be helping others work through. It's not like, as a leader I am an expert leading some little plebe figure out their pathetic little life. On the contrary! I am every bit the pilgrim who is just a few steps ahead who is turning around and helping another pilgrim make the same steps I have already walked a little easier. And, here I was really needing to run back. To the beginning and start the pilgrim's travels all over again. So, that is what I did. Even though I was still facilitating others, I was really walking through the process myself as if I were doing it for the first time.
There is a point nearing the closing of the weekend where there is a surrender exercise. Where everyone is encouraged to write down the things they need to surrender in order to live the God-sized dream for their lives on a wooden sword and cast it into a bonfire as a symbol of surrendering it to God. I sat there for most of an hour while others got up and made little speeches and statements about what they were surrendering. I was rehearsing in my head what I was going to say. I wasn't trying to impress God or anyone at the bonfire. It would be foolish to try and impress God, he knows the truth and he is only interested with the sincerity of the heart to begin with and anyone there who would have been impressed by someone else's surrender speech was probably missing out on the purpose of the exercise. No, I wad trying desperately to seek the most meaningful words to represent what I was walking through that weekend.
Well, I finally got my thoughts, and my courage, together and approached the bonfire. I opened my mouth to speak and God stopped my tongue. I felt like, oh great, what now God, what are you going to ask of me now? I didn't know if he was going to throw me another curve ball question or have me speak in tongues or prophecy. I was prepared for the worst. I was ready to surrender to anything, after all that's why I was standing there in front of the fire holding my wooden sword. Instead of a question or doing anything that might of freaked out the rest of those gathered there I just felt a fatherly arm around my shoulder. It wasn't the first time I've felt that reassuring hug and I knew exactly why I felt it then. I was stepping up to let go of something I treasured and even though it was to gain something worth so much more, it still was very painful to let it go.
I finally opened my mouth to speak and it took quite a bit to get the first few words out because I was sobbing. And, I wasn't just blubbering like a brokenhearted little girl, my whole body was shaking. Through the sobbing and shaking I managed to get out the following speech,
Earlier today I told you about how I have been a stay-at-home-dad for the past thirteen years. What you don't know is that I have been carrying around this hole in my heart during all of that time as well. Well, my youngest just entered kindergarten this week and for several years now I have been dreaming about how I would fill that hole in my heart during this season in my life, but God has been asking me to give that dream up and do something completely different. So, tonight I am giving up my dream trusting that God has something much, much better waiting for me.
That was one of the hardest things to do. I had been looking forward to going back to school and finishing that degree for so long and the time had finally come to see it become a reality. I could not only taste it but the goal line was once again in sight. But, I choose to believe that God truly does have something better waiting for me and whatever it is it will be so rewarding and so good that whatever I had hoped to gain from going back to school and finishing my degree will be dwarfed by comparison. God knows the needs and desires of my heart and he wouldn't ask me to walk in another direction to keep me stunted in my overall growth and devel
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Location:Carver Dr,Roswell,United States
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