I began to live this spiritual duality where I wanted to embrace the life God wanted me to live while at the same time running as far away from the calling on my life as I could. The ironic thing was that while I was running from committing to a life of full-time service I was filling up my free time with ministry. I was involved in bus ministry, the leadership of my church youth group, the youth choir at my church, participating in many short-term missions projects, and taking advantage of every opportunity to preach that was offered to me. But during this time, I also had a completely second life I lived as well.
During my high school years I experimented with drugs and alcohol and participated in many foolish and ungodly things in attempts to be popular and accepted. I am not proud of what I did during these years and my heart breaks over the damage done to my testimony with friends from that time in my life who will not even listen to the Gospel from my lips today.
I remember very clearly one Christmas Eve getting high with some buddies from church, who were also double-lifers, behind a porn shop we had just been hanging out in, even none of us were old enough to legally enter, and the Holy Spirit showed up. Now, this wasn't a total shock to me. It was my senior year of high school and I was really beginning to examine my life, what I had been doing, where I was heading, and more importantly, what I really wanted out of life. I had even gone to my youth pastor and voluntarily removed myself from my leadership roles because I wasn't living up to the criteria for a good leader.
That night the Holy Spirit showed up and just took my high away. I know people talk about things sobering them up, but I went from baked to stone sober in the blink of an eye. I think God really wanted me to know that he was talking to me and that it wasn't just some experience I write off on having been high. I remember very clearly hearing God ask me why I was always trying to play it safe. Why I never wanted to stray into darkness beyond the point where I could still see his light. I remember answering that I was afraid of losing myself and my heart not wanting to find its way back to him. Then I remember his voice, not filled with anger or judgement, but with love, compassion, and desire asking me, "If you know where the light is, and you know where the banquet is prepared for you, and that is where you really want to be, then why are you standing here in the dark? Can't you see that I have been moving the light to keep it close to you? You don't have that far to go to come back to me."
You might think that would have been enough. I wish it had been enough and had I been alone it might have been. Yet, I was wrestling with one major issue, I knew that surrender is never a halfway proposition. I knew that surrendering my life completely to
God meant accepting his callings on my life.
That year, 1982, Christmas just happened to be a Sunday. That Sunday evening was a pretty special communion service at church. Aside from the comical fact that somebody got the bright idea to set up for communion early in the week so it would not interfere with parties and family gatherings and wound up fermenting the grape juice, it was quite meaningful. A Christmas communion on a Sunday and I was in the throws of great decisions. But, once again, the Holy Spirit showed up.
Like the night before God presented me with the same set of questions, but this time he made it clear that he wasn't going to keep hounding me forever. I needed to make a decision if I was going to surrender to him or take over my life completely. I knew that I was screwing my life up terribly and needed to surrender control completely to God, no matter what that meant or where that decision lead to.
I plunged in deep and I am extremely happy to report that on that Christmas night I got one of the best Christmas gifts I have ever received. The moment I surrendered everything Christ showed up in such a dynamic way I will never be able to deny the reality of the existence of God and his desire to be actively involved in my life for as long as I live.
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Location:Carver Dr,Roswell,United States
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